Fund Raiser
by Ivonovna
Summary: When the Akatsuki's bank account reaches pit bottom, Pein comes up with a plan only an evil mastermind could- Holding multiple fund raisers. Crack fic!
1. Fund Raiser?

This was a _completely _random idea that I had when I was bored one day when my family had been traveling in a car for who knows how many hours, and then I saw someone running a lemonade stand which led to me thinking about the Akatsuki trying to raise money for themselves. So I wrote this. :)

Prepare for OOC-ness. (I do that a lot, don't I?)

**Disclaimer : I do not own Naruto or any of its characters or any of the places mentioned in this fic . If I did, Shikamaru would be dead. **

**On to the story**

Pein was not a man to be at a loss of anything, especially words. But when Konan had told him that they were 'broke', he was rendered speechless. Konan, after watching him open and close his mouth like a fish for the past few minutes, decided that there was more important things to do. Just as she was about to leave, Pein called out after her.

"Konan!" She turned. "What can we do? I mean, should we ask Kakuzu or something?" Pein looked at her for any more suggestions.

"...We should hold a meeting." Konan said. "And ask the others what they think." Pein pondered that for a moment. Worst case scenario, they all quit. Best case, he found a scapegoat. "Sounds good." He agreed. Out of nowhere, Pein pulled out a gigantic megaphone.

"ATTENTION ALL MEMBERS! MEETING IN THE MEETING HALL!(A.N. -Well that was rather redundant.) ALL MUST BE PRESENT!" He yelled. Konan was on the floor beside him rolling about while covering her ears, saying repeatedly that they were bleeding. Pein backed away slowly.

A few minutes later, almost everyone was seated. Pein looked up. '_Itachi..here. Kisame...here. Deidara..here. Sasori...here. Zetsu..' _He glanced at the giant Terre Cotta plant pot. Inside it was a Venus fly trap. A very **large ** Venus fly trap. _'...Here. Kakuzu, here. Hidan..not here?' _

"Kakuzu!" Pein yelled. Kakuzu raised his head quickly, startled. "Where's Hidan?"

"In his room." Kakuzu replied. "Go get him then!" Pein yelled again. Kakuzu's eye gave an involuntary twitch.

Flashback(That's totally not needed, I may add.)

"Hey Kakuzu!" Hidan said from his place on the bed.

"What is it now, Hidan." This was getting aggravating. Kakuzu had been trying to balance his checkbook for the past hour, but to no avail because of Hidan's constant blathering.

"I'm gonna go do my ritual now, so don't bother me for the next hour." Hidan got up off the bed and walked out of the room.

"Thank god.." Kakuzu mumbled.

End Flashback

Pein gave him a blank look. "I see." " ...Well then, we'll just have to start without him." He stood up.

"As you know, the Akatsuki gains money from its various missions, mostly bounty collections." Everyone nodded. "But, as of late, the bounties and missions have been running low..very low. And I'm sorry to announce that because of this, we've gone broke." Pein breathed out. Now to see what they did.

And..they all stared. Just at that time, Hidan waltzed into the meeting room.

"What'd I miss?" He asked. Everyone turned their heads to Hidan. "...What? Is there still blood on me or something?" He checked himself over, shrugged, and sat down next to Kakuzu.

"As I was saying, we're broke." Pein continued. At this point, everyone was giving him incredulous looks, and Hidan looked like he was about to burst out into hysterical laughter.

"So...what do we do?" Sasori commented in a placid voice.

"Well, I was thinking about a fund raiser. Wouldn't that be great?" Pein said gleefully. Surely, only genius such as his could come up with a plan as clever as this. Konan gave an undignified snort.

"That..is the stupidest thing I've ever heard, yeah." Deidara said in a deadpan voice. Hidan fell out of his chair laughing.

"Shut the **BLEEP** up Deidara! It's not like you could **BLEEPING** do any **BLEEPING** better you little **BLEEP BLEEEEEEEP**- **BLEEP**! I swear, I'm **BLEEPING** tired of your **BLEEPING BLEEP**! I'm going to **BLEEPING BLEEP** you and then **BLEEPING** shove it down your **BLEEPING** throat! Then I'm going to **BLEEPING** take you to the **BLEEPING BLEEP** doctor and make sure you get a **BLEEPING BLEEP**, and afterwards, I'll reach back down your **BLEEPING** throat, take out your** BLEEP**, reattach them, and put you in a **BLEEPING BLEEP** community! Any more **BLEEPING** questions?!" Pein finished his rant with a crazed look in his eye, and Deidara was off crying in the corner. (24 swears lol)

"...He's weak." was all Itachi said. Kisame gave him a look.

"He beat my record, damn it." Hidan grumbled. "And now its time to sit! Hey, we rhymed Hidan-san!" Tobi said.

Hidan glared at him.

"So, we're going to have a fund raiser, and no complaints." Pein said. "I will assign you different jobs that, when you make money from them, will go to our bank account." Everyone nodded in compliance.

"I have taken the liberty to find a list of adequate jobs for all of you."

"Itachi, Kisame, you will be working at the 'Long John Silvers' restaurant as waiters and such." Kisame didn't looked pleased. "Listen I could've signed you up at Seaworld, so be grateful." Pein told him.

"Sasori, Deidara, I want you to sell your art on ebay for ridiculous prices." Sasori merely inclined his head.

"Zetsu and Tobi...uh...you can go collect seashells and make them into necklaces for Deidara and Sasori to sell."

"Kakuzu and Hidan, I want you to go to the park and set up a lemonade stand and crap like that. Everyone loves lemonade stands."

"And what about you and Konan?" Kisame asked.

"I...will join American Idol, and I will win the 100,000 cash prize! And Konan will provide my support." This time everyone laughed, except Itachi whose lip was twitching uncontrollably.

"Shut up! None of you appreciate my genius." He yelled at them. "Now, I expect all of you to be at your respected jobs by...around four-ish" Pein said. The Akatsuki members stared at him. "GET MOVING!" They all scrambled from their places around the room. He turned to Konan.

"Is it just me, or do they seem to fear me?" Pein asked. Konan just shook her head. "Now where's my application form?" He searched around the room and finally pulled out a piece of paper. It read:

**AMERICAN IDOL APPLICATION **

"Guess I better get started." Pein pulled out a pen, and began to write. "Name:Pein. Gender: male Previous singing experience: ...None. He signed his name, (after ignoring the rest of the application) sealed it, and went out and put it in the mail box.

"Now...I wait." He went back inside and began watching Bleach. Meanwhile, Kisame was complaining to Itachi about their job.

"I bet he did this to spite me! Come on, Long John Silvers? He _knows _ that they have fishsticks! My fishstick senses tingle every time were in a 15 mile radius of one! Itachi sent him a sidelong glance, as if to say; '_What a special partner I have.' _

"Its no use complaining Kisame. We must do with what we have." Itachi picked up his uniform. "Even if it includes a grotesque uniform."

Elsewhere in the Akatsuki base, Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu and Tobi we're readying themselves for their individual trips. When it came around to four, the Akatsuki reached a problem-there was only one car.

"I think we should get it, seriously! " Hidan said. "Yes, I agree. The park is farther from here than the beach." Kakuzu added, still trying to finish his checkbook.

"Are you kidding me? **The beach is all the way in water country, you bas-" **Zetsu was cut off by Tobi yelling at him not to swear. "Whatever. Besides, you and Tobi can travel quicker than Kakuzu and I." Hidan said.

"Its okay Zetsu-san! Tobi can travel really fast, so he can keep up with Zetsu-san!" Tobi exclaimed excitedly. "...**Fine."** Zetsu said. "Come Tobi, let's get ready to go."

"Heh, that proves it. I'm the best arguer in the world, hear that Kakuzu?" Hidan put a smug look on his face.

"No, it means your as stubborn as an ox." Kakuzu said without looking up from his work. Hidan paused, and then looked away with a hurt look on his face. "Whatever, seriously."

While Zetsu was being...Zetsu, Tobi was rolling up paper balls and throwing them at Deidara, all the while remaining hidden. _"Tobi's a good boy!" _

_--_

_End of chapter_. As I said, it really has no point to it. But a guess having no point is the point. Please review :)


	2. Deidara and Sasori

**Now its time for each individual to raise their money xD. But everyone will have their mishappenings along the way. First up: Deidara and Sasori. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, or and of the websites mentioned in this fanfic. **

--

Deidara and Sasori stared at the computer screen. It was fuzzing all over, like static. They looked at each other, then back at the computer screen. "Was it the coffee I spilled, yeah?" Deidara asked. Sasori shot him a look of annoyance.

"Probably." Sasori tried to analyze the situation. '_What do people usually do with computers when they act funny...?' _His eyes shot open as he realized the answer. "Deidara!"

"Yeah?"

"You have to kick the monitor. That always works." Sasori said. Deidara thought about it for a moment. He then got up and gave the monitor a swift kick. But the kick was a _bit _too hard. It flew across the room, hit the wall, and blew up. Flames started to lick the walls and floor, but Deidara and Sasori found themselves more worried about the computer, which was sparking.

"I say we get out of here, yeah." Deidara suggested. "But what about the flames? We can't just leave them!" Sasori yelled at him. "Um...No one will notice! If they ask, we'll say the computer and the monitor had a spontaneous combustion!" Sasori sent him a skeptical glance. "As if that's even remotely believable."

Deidara got up and walked to the door, opening it. "At this point, who cares yeah?" He walked out of the room, followed by Sasori.

Somewhere down the hall, Pein and Konan looked up. "Konan...do you smell smoke?" She paused before answering. "No."

Pein shook his head slowly. "Must be imagining things again. Stupid incense." Konan nodded in agreement.

Meanwhile, Deidara and Sasori had snuck into Itachi's room, because he had a laptop and he wasn't there. They pulled chairs out, and pressed the 'on' button. The screen flickered, before showing an icon saying 'password'.

"Shit, yeah." Deidara said. "Any idea of what it might be, Danna?" Sasori had a contemplative look on his face.

"I think so.." He said. "What is it then?" Deidara put his hands on the keyboard. "Well, Itachi probably put on a simplistic password, since most people would think its something highly complicated , and then I thought, "This is Itachi...what does Itachi talk about a lot? So I came to the conclusion the the password must be hate!"

"Genius deduction, Danna!" Deidara typed 'hate' in for the password. The computer screen read: PLEASE HOLD. CONFIRMING PASSWORD. They waited with baited breaths. PASSWORD CORRECT. Deidara blew out slowly, relieved. They logged on, and then clicked the Internet icon. After a few moments, Itachi's homepage popped up. Deidara and Sasori stared. And stared.

"Who would've thought, yeah." Itachi's homepage was . "That Itachi had a shark fetish?" Sasori finished for him. "Yeah." Deidara said. "Check it out! He even has his own online "Diary" Deidara snickered and clicked on it.

"Eh..Deidara, maybe we shouldn't be doing this. It's an invasion of privacy." Sasori looked around nervously, and couldn't help but feel paranoid that somehow Itachi was watching them.

"Remember when Itachi burned your entire puppet collection, yeah?" Deidara said. Sasori's eyes gave a glint. Even though it was an accident, Sasori still felt sore about the entire thing. "Go ahead." He said.

"It says here.." Deidara started. They both read the writing on the screen.

**Entry: 24/9/08- Dear Diary...** "He even wrote Dear Diary!" Deidara and Sasori burst out laughing, but quickly quieted down and read the rest.

**I feel that the rest of the Akatsuki doesn't appreciate my attributes to organization. Especially people like Deidara. I mean, could he be any more of a prick? Stupid ass transvestite that he is. One day I'll put hair dye in his conditioner. Today I was walking down the all and he **_**purposefully **_**walked into me, just for me to spill my coffee. Fortunately, it all spilled on him. I had to hold back a laugh at that one. **

**Later on today, Kisame and I got to finally have alone time. I don't think he knows about my feelings for him, which is good, because if he did he'd probably shun me. We talked about the future and stuff, and what we planned to do if we lived to become old. He said he wanted to settle down in a fishing town and become a fisherman! I was sooo happy. I wanted to ask him if I could live with him...but I decided against it. I don't want him to think I'm gay or anything..which I am, but that's besides the point. **

**The meeting was ridiculous! Pein told us we had to have a 'Fund Raiser' what kind of evil organization has a **_**Fund Raiser?**_** I mean, that **_**REALLY **_** builds an image for us, doesn't it? Oh well. The only good thing that came out of it was that I got assigned to work with Kisame. Although Pein, being the bastard he is, gave us Long John Silvers. He did that on purpose, just to spite poor Kisame. **

**Well, tomorrow I have to go to work. (WITH KISAME! YAY!) So I better get to sleep. Goodnight, Diary. **

**Itachi **

By that point, Deidara and Sasori were in hysterics, unable to control their laughter. "Who knew Itachi was after shark man?" Deidara said inbetween bouts of laughter. "I..sure..didn't.." Sasori wheezed out. After laughing for about five minutes straight, they sat up again and typed in 'ebay' on the address bar.

When the website page came up, they looked at the side of the page which said: Already a member? Log in here! And Not yet a member? Sign up here! Deidara clicked on the latter. The sign up form asked for their desired username. "What do you think it should be, Danna?" Deidara asked. "Maybe..well, we like art, so why not use that?" "K." Deidara answered. "Wait! I've got it- A.O.artfreaks." Deidara paused. "I like it, yeah." He typed it in.

"Says we need a password next, yeah." Deidara thought for a moment. "I know! How about..tx2inajdni4?" Deidara typed it in. (A.N: I just closed my eyes and randomly tapped keys.) "I didn't catch what you said, but it sounds confusing enough." Sasori said.

"It wants our email.." Deidara looked uncertain. "Do we even _have_ an email?" Sasori tipped back in his chair and looked at the ceiling. "Just put in a random email. Deidara rapidly typed something in. "Now all we have to do is type in the registry code." Deidara finished up.

"So..how do we sell our artwork?" Deidara asked. "First we should upload images of the different pieces we have." Sasori glanced at their box full of figurines and puppets. "And then set a ridiculous price." Deidara reached into his pocket and pulled out photos of their art work. "We should scan these then?" He asked. "Guess so. Conveniently, Itachi has a scanner." They scanned the photos of their artwork.

"Okay...now we set a price for the artwork." Sasori said. "Let's price it all between 500 - 800 dollars ." Deidara said. "It sounds like a ridiculous enough price." Sasori leaned over and clicked the 'submit' button.

"Now what?" Deidara asked. "Now we wait for someone to buy it." Sasori told him. After about two hours and many games of checkers later, they heard a little 'ring'. They looked back at the computer screen, and someone had bought all of their artwork.

"Well that was unexpected." Deidara commented. Sasori nodded. "Says the user who bought our stuff is..MafiaGansters98." Deidara gulped. "They sound like a...nice person."

"Yeah...Should we tell leader?" Deidara sat back down next to their checker game. "Nah, let's wait a bit. "Good point." Sasori sat opposite of Deidara and they continued their checker game. The computer suddenly gave another little 'ring'.

"Wonder what that is?" Deidara said. He looked up at the computer. Across the screen was a message saying; **YOUR ARTWORK BLEW UP AND BURNED OUR HOUSE DOWN. PREPARE TO DIE BY THE MAFIA'S HANDS. **

Deidara and Sasori stared at each other. "Um..I guess they're unsatisfied with the purchase?" Deidara said. "The money's already been transferred to our bank account. Let's just ignore them. Its not like they know where we live or anything. All of a sudden, another little 'ring' was heard.

**ATTENTION: WE KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE. **

"You were saying?" Deidara flopped down on Itachi's bed. "They're lying. Just ignore it, like I said." Sasori said. While they were sitting in silence, the doorbell rang.

"Must be the pizza I ordered! ...But their full of shit when they said "30 minute delivery" Its only been 15 minutes." Deidara walked out of Itachi's room and made his way to the front door. When he opened the door, a tall man with a knife loomed over him.

"MEEEHHHHHH!!" The tall man said, waving his knife around at him.

"HOLY SHIT YEAH!" Deidara yelled. He slammed the door and ran back to Itachi's room, shutting the door aggressively behind him.

"THEY FOUND US YEAH! WE'RE DOOMED!" He fell to the floor in defeat. "DEIDARA! Get a hold of yourself wo-I mean man!" Sasori yelled at him. "We can escape through the attic." Deidara looked up, hope in his eyes. "That's right, yeah! Itachi has a ceiling attic door thing!" Sasori pulled a lever and a ladder dropped out.

"Hurry up! We gotta get going!" He climbed up into the attic followed by Deidara who pulled the lever in the attic, closing the door behind them.

Sasori was standing by the window, looking down. "Oh my god...look at them all." He whispered. Deidara joined him at the window.

"Your right, yeah." Deidara agreed. Below them was a bunch of men in suits and fancy shoes and pinstripe hats, throwing themselves at the windows and crawling across the lawn.

"Its like that one scene from 'Dawn of the Dead', only with guys in fancy suits yeah." Deidara said. "So..what do we do now?" Sasori gave him a serious look.

"We do what any S class criminal would do...run for our lives." Deidara furrowed his eyebrows. "I don't remember that S class criminals did that..but oh well. Can I blow them up first?"

"Go ahead."

Deidara reached into his pocket and pulled out a bunch of clay. He formed them into small birds, and then cast them out the window. When they were close to the ground, he said "Katsu", detonating them. He repeated this around 10 times.

"I think I killed them all, Danna." He said. Sasori leaned out the window. "Yep. There's none left alive." Deidara wiped his brow. "That was close. Now let's run for it?"

"Yeah." Sasori jumped out the window onto a tree branch and was off. Deidara followed him. Around 15 miles later, Deidara reached a conclusion.

"Hey..Danna." Sasori looked at him. "What is it?" Deidara frowned. "Well, if I killed them all, doesn't that mean that we didn't have to run?"

Sasori slapped his forehead with realization. "Your..right." He said. "And what's more, didn't we not turn Itachi's computer off? And now close his online Diary and now close the ebay window which _shows _who was on it?"

Sasori's eye twitched. "You have a point." Deidara spoke up again. "Well, do we keep running or do we go back and fix it before Itachi gets back?"

"We're gonna have to go back sooner or later, so let's get back there as fast as possible and close those windows." Sasori said.

They turned around and headed back the way they came. After reaching the Akatsuki base, they saw Itachi and Kisame walking up the driveway.

"Shit, yeah." Deidara opened the attic window the same time Itachi opened the front door. Sasori and Deidara heard Kisame ask why they were so many bodies outside, and Itachi said he didn't care to speculate on it.

Deidara and Sasori were closing the windows on the computer when they heard Itachi's footsteps coming down the hall.

"Hurry! Hurry up!" Sasori whispered harshly. They didn't have time to turn the computer off before Itachi reached the room, so they climbed back into the attic and closed the door as he entered the room.

Itachi gave a puzzled look at the computer, which he didn't remember leaving on. "Must be forgetting things again..." He trailed off. He walked over to his computer and turned it off, then walked back out of the room, closing his door behind him.

"That..was close.." Sasori said. He got no answer. "Deidara?...Deidara?! Where'd you go?" He asked. He turned around. Behind him on the floor was a passed out Deidara. Sasori shook his head. "Wimp."

**And so ends Deidara and Sasori's money making adventure. They make a lot of money off of those mafia people Oo. I think I'll do Hidan and Kakuzu next, I'm not sure though. Anyways, please review! **


End file.
